Showtime!

Well, friends, here I am on the other side. Thanks for coming along with me on a very challenging and wild journey! I hope you’ve had a good time watching me go and learned something new along the way. Photos from the show at the end of this post! :)

The final weeks of the process, from my blog post August 28 to show day, were extremely challenging. I don't think I ever could have anticipated the way my body and mind would feel as the show drew near. Show prep in the last few weeks is all about getting extremely lean so that you get the best display of the muscle growth you've enjoyed up to that point. If you recall my last post, you'll remember that I was excited for this phase. Wrong, Kaila. You are not excited for this phase.

It's one thing to lose excess weight: you'll feel better, look better, and be healthier. It's another thing entirely to pass that threshold and dip into body fat percentages that aren't sustainable or even healthy, necessarily. For reference, here's a general breakdown of where the divides happen:

​Bodybuilding women need to bring themselves down to 12% or less, ideally, for show. As you can see, this brings us down to what is called “essential fat” levels - in other words, what you need to sustain bodily functions and not a whole lot more. I began at 26% body fat and over 20 weeks was able to drop to 10%. Let me tell you, friends, I was TIRED.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so very glad I did it and am in no way saying bodybuilding is universally bad. 

After all, I was only sitting as low as 10% for the last four weeks. In the grand scheme of my life, that's not going to be damaging in any way, especially with plans to diet back out to a higher percentage at the end. It was, however, the least energetic I've ever been for a sustained period in my life. Work felt challenging and I often felt foggy. Workouts felt nearly impossible - compared to the earlier phases, I felt less powerful and could feel my deficit in fuel. I finished many many sets with inexplicable roller-coasting feelings - frustration, fatigue, sadness, fear, joy, rage...many of them in the same workout. I regularly pondered: “What the f*%# am I doing?” “Wait, what's the point again?” “How am I going to make it?” “Do I even believe this is okay..?”

“Do I even believe this is okay?” played on loop in my head hundreds of times a day right to the end. Most unexpectedly, the process of becoming a bodybuilder was running rather aggressively against my feelings and beliefs as a yoga teacher and trainer. It was sad and stressful after so much work, so many good feelings and lots of growth for the first 16 weeks. I believe that our diet, our fitness, and our overall relationship with wellness should result in feeling healthy, happy, and free. I did not feel happy. I questioned if I felt healthy. I most certainly did not feel free.

Unfortunately, the nature of this particular beast is to Just. Keep. Going. What else can a person do after 15 weeks...the investment of time, energy and money? I suppose I could have quit to uphold my convictions...but a great many things would have gone to waste and I had no guarantee I'd feel good about it on the other side, whereas if I just put my head down, ignored the voices (for a short while) I knew I'd be glad to have done the show even if it continued to be the “wrong” experience for me. So that's what I did and in the process stumbled on something important: my relationship with my sense of emotional self-regulation. 

As a personal trainer, teacher, and advocate for good health I can confidently say that relationship to self-regulation is one of the biggest battles we each must navigate in life. Many of our pitfalls regarding health happen here - in the space where we are trying to figure out if we are okay...or not okay...and how it is we should react (or not.) This works on a macro scale. I often thought: As a yogi on a 20 week bodybuilding prep...am I okay with things or not? It also works in a micro scale: am I okay to finish this set of sprints? Do I have two more presses in me or is ten enough? Is my bad shoulder okay?

In order to finish the last four weeks, I had to get really really good at this. I had to inquire about the necessity of everything I was doing. I had to get very thoughtful with my processing and extremely precise with my answers. I had to be very honest with myself. Despite feeling foggy much of time, I had to get sharp. There could be no lying or inattention.

During the first half of my prep, I had learned to regulate “up,” meaning there were lots of times that I felt tired or overwhelmed and generally...whiney. The fact of the matter is that for much of that time I was usually alright. I became very well acquainted with my inner “big baby” and spent a good amount of time shushing her. I would tell myself on the tough days, “You're capable, you're fine, just do it.” On a more positive day it was, “You're bigger than quitting, you were meant to be more than average, you're taking a risk - don't waste it.” 

I realized in these moments that before I was doing this prep, I was letting myself off the hook way more often that I really needed. I became aware of exactly how much intensity, power and focus I was capable of. 

I began to wonder if I was ever going to have to regulate down and if I would know how to recognize that moment if it came. I was excited!

Predictably, that moment did come. Three weekends before my show I had a legitimate crash and burn. I had gone to work on a Friday morning to see a few clients, then went to work out myself. I was feeling out of it, but was doing my best to get motivated and regulate up. It had become a familiar process, so I didn't think twice about throwing my shoes on and starting: I grabbed a treadmill and began walking uphill to try to scoop up some energy. I walked for 20 minutes, much longer than usual, then gave up to hit the weights. My usual boost never came. Much to my surprise, it was like my limbs wouldn't move. I didn't feel sleepy-tired, I felt spaced out to the extent that my arms and legs didn't want to listen. It was like watching everything in a deep delay; I’d think “bicep curl” and then full moments later I'd see it happen but wasn't sure what I was feeling. My vision felt funny. I couldn't remember the order of a workout I'd done many many times before. I started to build a spontaneous circuit, then couldn't remember that either. I felt vaguely nauseous so I convinced myself I hadn't eaten enough and decided to leave the gym. I was really angry at myself in the car: “Why didn't I eat enough?” “Why am I such a wuss? It isn’t even peak week yet!” I decided to stop at Everly (side note: FAB restaurant) on Monroe Street to have a salad and some salmon ASAP. Surely this would perk me up! 

It was about 2:00, the restaurant quiet, the hostess whisks me to a table outside straight away. I remember feeling cold and like she was walking too fast. At the table, watching the menu without really reading, I felt gaps in which time wasn't moving and had spots in my vision. I wondered, as I had so many times before, “Am I okay?” I ate my entire meal and continued to feel worse: I was no longer nauseous but things still felt spotty and gravity heavy in my body. I felt scared and not okay in the least: several days of fatigue accumulating to this moment were clearly something I should have been paying attention to. I ordered a loaf of bread and slammed it down, desperate for some clarity and relief. As I ate it I knew something unhealthy was happening in me: this wasn't just bodybuilding fatigue or low calories doing a number on me: I was actually sick.

This moment was, though uncomfortable, distinct and important. Because I had gotten so exceptionally good at regulating up, I knew unequivocally for the first time that I needed badly to regulate down. This moment was different from all the others and my practice meant I knew what to do. I knew with my very bones and my soul that there was no way I was making some excuse. Previous to this experience, I was regulating down for a lot less. I ate my loaf of bread with vigor and texted my coach for advice.

Let me pause to say something important here: I am not suggesting in any way that a person should force themselves to exhaustion or some metabolic dysfunction (which is what I believe was happening to me that day) to earn the right to regulate down. That's just what my “ah-ha” moment happened to be. 
I have extensive experience on the fitness front, and was prepared to test my body in a significant way.  I in no way recommend anyone do this without the guidance and advice of a professional coach.

I suggest that a person should find a way to examine their personal ups and downs to develop a sense of the spectrum of regulation available in a given day. This takes a certain long-term commitment to paying attention to yourself, a long-term commitment to attempting healthy living, and some serious honesty along the way. Hopefully your moment will feel a lot less like you're going to pass out, or puke, or both. 

I took the remainder of the day off and ate relatively freely for the rest of the weekend. Yes, I went off my macros two weeks before my show. (Gasp!) I didn't work out until the following Tuesday. My program was adapted by my awesome coach and I returned to my macros on the following Monday. While I didn't feel like a million bucks, the foggy scary stuff went away and I felt good enough to continue. Workouts were very dialed back for the last two weeks and I canceled as much work as I could to get more rest. Things seemed to level out after that. I was apprehensive for the remainder of the time, especially in peak week where the diet is relatively low-carb, but I didn't crash again. 

If you follow me on social media, you likely already know I did very well on the day of my show. I took home two first place trophies and a third and fourth place award; placing well in all four of the divisions I chose to participate in. While that certainly didn't hurt my ego at all, I find that my better prize is this: I know when I am okay, and I know when I am not. Excuses that block healthy living are far more frail, and my personal power hums loud. I am not worried about how I look...at all. The ability to self-regulate more effectively and honestly is proving to be priceless as I move forward.

The day of the show was a beautiful whirlwind of an experience. Say what you will about the sport of bodybuilding: these people are fun and kind and full of exuberant energy. Something I think modern life zaps for many of us is a sense of community: the chance to jive with those around us and/or like minded individuals with a common goal. It used to be built into the fabric of life; but now we must seek it out, and in this case I am so very glad I did. A team of women who trained with a gym called Custom Fitness Specialists of Madison was at the show; because my coach Ariel is a member of their training staff they were kind enough to let me share in the team experience for the day. We all rose early for makeup, converging into a single hotel room while everyone took their turn with the professional makeup artist, who was incredible. She dolled us up expertly, right down to the false eyelashes, which I think I have only worn once before in my life. I felt like a sparkly bat, flitting around the room totally submerged in the glamour that is so unlike me. 

From here, everyone strips down to get TAN. What a surreal experience...positively caked in makeup, a group of ten muscle-bound women peel back to their birthday suits and get to work. Everyone helps everyone cover the hard to reach spots. We fret about our show nerves together as we fairy dance around each other in the tiny hotel bathroom. It's all very theatrical. In no way is it sexual. In no way is it awkward. You're just there...with women who share a painfully specific experience...sipping coffee in the nude while waiting for layers to dry. It was crazy fun, beautiful, and very moving. 

This sense of community carries through to the show venue, where everyone puts on their suits and helps one another to apply bikini bite, which keeps your suit from slipping, and a body glaze that give you that crazy stage shine. There are weights and bands backstage for pumping up your muscles, and everyone slams a rice cake with almond butter twenty minutes from stage time...the rush of sugar gives you a nice pump before you go on. 

One division at a time, we enter and exit. Pose for what feels like forever. Enter and exit. Enter and exit. Pose forever. Every show is organized differently...but in this one all of the judging happened rapid fire with awards assigned at the end of each category. This means that for individuals like me, doing multiple divisions, there were NO BREAKS. It was like a crazy hard workout to run on and off the stage, doing my best to behave like it was new each time. Posing is exhausting! When each division was done, the top five are called back onstage, and awards are given. I was called back all four times, much to my surprise and joy.  I ended up leaving with two first place trophies (in Female Beginner Figure and Female Short Open Figure), one third place trophy (in Female Novice Figure) and one fourth place trophy (in Ms. WI Figure). 

Because I took first place in the Short Open Figure Division, I also got to pose with the first place female in the Tall Open Figure Division.  Had I won this head-to-head contest, I would have won my pro card. She beat me out (rightfully so - she was more lean and looked GREAT). It was a huge privilege to do so well for my first show.

After the show, I slammed chocolate covered coffee beans and few shooters in the parking lot with my coach.  I pigged out on a burger until my gut hurt from the inside out and drove home late that night to return to the rest of my life. Will I do another?  We’ll see...