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  KP

KP's Blog

Showtime!

10/1/2017

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Well, friends, here I am on the other side. Thanks for coming along with me on a very challenging and wild journey! I hope you’ve had a good time watching me go and learned something new along the way. Photos from the show at the end of this post! :)

The final weeks of the process, from my blog post August 28 to show day, were extremely challenging. I don't think I ever could have anticipated the way my body and mind would feel as the show drew near. Show prep in the last few weeks is all about getting extremely lean so that you get the best display of the muscle growth you've enjoyed up to that point. If you recall my last post, you'll remember that I was excited for this phase. Wrong, Kaila. You are not excited for this phase.

It's one thing to lose excess weight: you'll feel better, look better, and be healthier. It's another thing entirely to pass that threshold and dip into body fat percentages that aren't sustainable or even healthy, necessarily. For reference, here's a general breakdown of where the divides happen:
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​Bodybuilding women need to bring themselves down to 12% or less, ideally, for show. As you can see, this brings us down to what is called “essential fat” levels - in other words, what you need to sustain bodily functions and not a whole lot more. I began at 26% body fat and over 20 weeks was able to drop to 10%. Let me tell you, friends, I was TIRED.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so very glad I did it and am in no way saying bodybuilding is universally bad. 

After all, I was only sitting as low as 10% for the last four weeks. In the grand scheme of my life, that's not going to be damaging in any way, especially with plans to diet back out to a higher percentage at the end. It was, however, the least energetic I've ever been for a sustained period in my life. Work felt challenging and I often felt foggy. Workouts felt nearly impossible - compared to the earlier phases, I felt less powerful and could feel my deficit in fuel. I finished many many sets with inexplicable roller-coasting feelings - frustration, fatigue, sadness, fear, joy, rage...many of them in the same workout. I regularly pondered: “What the f*%# am I doing?” “Wait, what's the point again?” “How am I going to make it?” “Do I even believe this is okay..?”


“Do I even believe this is okay?” played on loop in my head hundreds of times a day right to the end. Most unexpectedly, the process of becoming a bodybuilder was running rather aggressively against my feelings and beliefs as a yoga teacher and trainer. It was sad and stressful after so much work, so many good feelings and lots of growth for the first 16 weeks. I believe that our diet, our fitness, and our overall relationship with wellness should result in feeling healthy, happy, and free. I did not feel happy. I questioned if I felt healthy. I most certainly did not feel free.

Unfortunately, the nature of this particular beast is to Just. Keep. Going. What else can a person do after 15 weeks...the investment of time, energy and money? I suppose I could have quit to uphold my convictions...but a great many things would have gone to waste and I had no guarantee I'd feel good about it on the other side, whereas if I just put my head down, ignored the voices (for a short while) I knew I'd be glad to have done the show even if it continued to be the “wrong” experience for me. So that's what I did and in the process stumbled on something important: my relationship with my sense of emotional self-regulation. 

As a personal trainer, teacher, and advocate for good health I can confidently say that relationship to self-regulation is one of the biggest battles we each must navigate in life. Many of our pitfalls regarding health happen here - in the space where we are trying to figure out if we are okay...or not okay...and how it is we should react (or not.) This works on a macro scale. I often thought: As a yogi on a 20 week bodybuilding prep...am I okay with things or not? It also works in a micro scale: am I okay to finish this set of sprints? Do I have two more presses in me or is ten enough? Is my bad shoulder okay?

In order to finish the last four weeks, I had to get really really good at this. I had to inquire about the necessity of everything I was doing. I had to get very thoughtful with my processing and extremely precise with my answers. I had to be very honest with myself. Despite feeling foggy much of time, I had to get sharp. There could be no lying or inattention.

During the first half of my prep, I had learned to regulate “up,” meaning there were lots of times that I felt tired or overwhelmed and generally...whiney. The fact of the matter is that for much of that time I was usually alright. I became very well acquainted with my inner “big baby” and spent a good amount of time shushing her. I would tell myself on the tough days, “You're capable, you're fine, just do it.” On a more positive day it was, “You're bigger than quitting, you were meant to be more than average, you're taking a risk - don't waste it.” 

I realized in these moments that before I was doing this prep, I was letting myself off the hook way more often that I really needed. I became aware of exactly how much intensity, power and focus I was capable of. 

I began to wonder if I was ever going to have to regulate down and if I would know how to recognize that moment if it came. I was excited!

Predictably, that moment did come. Three weekends before my show I had a legitimate crash and burn. I had gone to work on a Friday morning to see a few clients, then went to work out myself. I was feeling out of it, but was doing my best to get motivated and regulate up. It had become a familiar process, so I didn't think twice about throwing my shoes on and starting: I grabbed a treadmill and began walking uphill to try to scoop up some energy. I walked for 20 minutes, much longer than usual, then gave up to hit the weights. My usual boost never came. Much to my surprise, it was like my limbs wouldn't move. I didn't feel sleepy-tired, I felt spaced out to the extent that my arms and legs didn't want to listen. It was like watching everything in a deep delay; I’d think “bicep curl” and then full moments later I'd see it happen but wasn't sure what I was feeling. My vision felt funny. I couldn't remember the order of a workout I'd done many many times before. I started to build a spontaneous circuit, then couldn't remember that either. I felt vaguely nauseous so I convinced myself I hadn't eaten enough and decided to leave the gym. I was really angry at myself in the car: “Why didn't I eat enough?” “Why am I such a wuss? It isn’t even peak week yet!” I decided to stop at Everly (side note: FAB restaurant) on Monroe Street to have a salad and some salmon ASAP. Surely this would perk me up! 

It was about 2:00, the restaurant quiet, the hostess whisks me to a table outside straight away. I remember feeling cold and like she was walking too fast. At the table, watching the menu without really reading, I felt gaps in which time wasn't moving and had spots in my vision. I wondered, as I had so many times before, “Am I okay?” I ate my entire meal and continued to feel worse: I was no longer nauseous but things still felt spotty and gravity heavy in my body. I felt scared and not okay in the least: several days of fatigue accumulating to this moment were clearly something I should have been paying attention to. I ordered a loaf of bread and slammed it down, desperate for some clarity and relief. As I ate it I knew something unhealthy was happening in me: this wasn't just bodybuilding fatigue or low calories doing a number on me: I was actually sick.

This moment was, though uncomfortable, distinct and important. Because I had gotten so exceptionally good at regulating up, I knew unequivocally for the first time that I needed badly to regulate down. This moment was different from all the others and my practice meant I knew what to do. I knew with my very bones and my soul that there was no way I was making some excuse. Previous to this experience, I was regulating down for a lot less. I ate my loaf of bread with vigor and texted my coach for advice.

Let me pause to say something important here: I am not suggesting in any way that a person should force themselves to exhaustion or some metabolic dysfunction (which is what I believe was happening to me that day) to earn the right to regulate down. That's just what my “ah-ha” moment happened to be. 
I have extensive experience on the fitness front, and was prepared to test my body in a significant way.  I in no way recommend anyone do this without the guidance and advice of a professional coach.

I suggest that a person should find a way to examine their personal ups and downs to develop a sense of the spectrum of regulation available in a given day. This takes a certain long-term commitment to paying attention to yourself, a long-term commitment to attempting healthy living, and some serious honesty along the way. Hopefully your moment will feel a lot less like you're going to pass out, or puke, or both. 

I took the remainder of the day off and ate relatively freely for the rest of the weekend. Yes, I went off my macros two weeks before my show. (Gasp!) I didn't work out until the following Tuesday. My program was adapted by my awesome coach and I returned to my macros on the following Monday. While I didn't feel like a million bucks, the foggy scary stuff went away and I felt good enough to continue. Workouts were very dialed back for the last two weeks and I canceled as much work as I could to get more rest. Things seemed to level out after that. I was apprehensive for the remainder of the time, especially in peak week where the diet is relatively low-carb, but I didn't crash again. 

If you follow me on social media, you likely already know I did very well on the day of my show. I took home two first place trophies and a third and fourth place award; placing well in all four of the divisions I chose to participate in. While that certainly didn't hurt my ego at all, I find that my better prize is this: I know when I am okay, and I know when I am not. Excuses that block healthy living are far more frail, and my personal power hums loud. I am not worried about how I look...at all. The ability to self-regulate more effectively and honestly is proving to be priceless as I move forward.

The day of the show was a beautiful whirlwind of an experience. Say what you will about the sport of bodybuilding: these people are fun and kind and full of exuberant energy. Something I think modern life zaps for many of us is a sense of community: the chance to jive with those around us and/or like minded individuals with a common goal. It used to be built into the fabric of life; but now we must seek it out, and in this case I am so very glad I did. A team of women who trained with a gym called Custom Fitness Specialists of Madison was at the show; because my coach Ariel is a member of their training staff they were kind enough to let me share in the team experience for the day. We all rose early for makeup, converging into a single hotel room while everyone took their turn with the professional makeup artist, who was incredible. She dolled us up expertly, right down to the false eyelashes, which I think I have only worn once before in my life. I felt like a sparkly bat, flitting around the room totally submerged in the glamour that is so unlike me. 

From here, everyone strips down to get TAN. What a surreal experience...positively caked in makeup, a group of ten muscle-bound women peel back to their birthday suits and get to work. Everyone helps everyone cover the hard to reach spots. We fret about our show nerves together as we fairy dance around each other in the tiny hotel bathroom. It's all very theatrical. In no way is it sexual. In no way is it awkward. You're just there...with women who share a painfully specific experience...sipping coffee in the nude while waiting for layers to dry. It was crazy fun, beautiful, and very moving. 

This sense of community carries through to the show venue, where everyone puts on their suits and helps one another to apply bikini bite, which keeps your suit from slipping, and a body glaze that give you that crazy stage shine. There are weights and bands backstage for pumping up your muscles, and everyone slams a rice cake with almond butter twenty minutes from stage time...the rush of sugar gives you a nice pump before you go on. 

One division at a time, we enter and exit. Pose for what feels like forever. Enter and exit. Enter and exit. Pose forever. Every show is organized differently...but in this one all of the judging happened rapid fire with awards assigned at the end of each category. This means that for individuals like me, doing multiple divisions, there were NO BREAKS. It was like a crazy hard workout to run on and off the stage, doing my best to behave like it was new each time. Posing is exhausting! When each division was done, the top five are called back onstage, and awards are given. I was called back all four times, much to my surprise and joy.  I ended up leaving with two first place trophies (in Female Beginner Figure and Female Short Open Figure), one third place trophy (in Female Novice Figure) and one fourth place trophy (in Ms. WI Figure). 

Because I took first place in the Short Open Figure Division, I also got to pose with the first place female in the Tall Open Figure Division.  Had I won this head-to-head contest, I would have won my pro card. She beat me out (rightfully so - she was more lean and looked GREAT). It was a huge privilege to do so well for my first show.

After the show, I slammed chocolate covered coffee beans and few shooters in the parking lot with my coach.  I pigged out on a burger until my gut hurt from the inside out and drove home late that night to return to the rest of my life. Will I do another?  We’ll see...
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The problem of convenience

8/28/2017

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Welcome back friends!  It’s been two months and change since my last post; which is hard to believe because I definitely don’t feel as though eight weeks has passed!  In the last eight weeks I’ve spent the majority of my free time continuing my training, dealing with some injury issues, and securing the financing for my new home on the west side of Madison.  Happy to report that I moved into my new place about two weeks ago and am enjoying the rollercoaster that is first-time home ownership.

I am 14 weeks into my training - with 5 more to go to my first show!  I have officially moved my first show date up by several weeks due to great progress.  I will still likely do the other shows too.

My coach Ariel has adjusted my diet again to include a bit more of a calorie deficit (I have been on a small one since the start) as well as what’s called a re-feed day: a day where proteins, carbs, and fats are redistributed compared to the other days and the calories are higher. This (in theory) stokes the metabolic fire and should help with body fat loss.  It’s time to get lean!  I’m excited for this phase because I feel strong and am the biggest I’ve ever been in terms of muscle. The proof is in the pudding - despite dropping body fat levels, I’ve actually gained weight in the last phase - about 3-4 pounds worth of muscle, I think. I’m excited to begin to see the kind of definition you need for a show; which is why the low body fat by the end is key. I will keep you updated on my progress!

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about a great deal since my last post: I’ve realized that many of us (myself included) have somewhere along the line been prone to thinking that fitness, wellness of any kind, a solid diet, goal-achieving, etc. can and should be...

1. Convenient, and

2. Rapidly paced/expedited as a result of the convenience/time put in

A side note of how fast we want to get well: It's not any sort of unique discovery to suggest that we are all in too much of a terrible hurry all of the time. I'd certainly advocate for anybody to slow down and appreciate the now-ness of each moment whenever we can. Of course my suggestion to do this would be to find a way to practice yoga and meditate, whether together or as independent practices. It's here I will plug my ability to get you introduced to yoga if you're afraid to start. The Madison area is teeming with studios and teachers and classes to choose from. I recommend finding a place where you feel you can get away from the rest of your life, at least at first. From there you can learn the best way to practice for you and if your life permits it you can build a private practice at home later. And if you never do, continuing in the class setting for the rest of your life, that's excellent too.

Getting comfortable in a yoga class is largely a matter of logistics. Navigating movement on your mat and knowing basic sequences is where I always begin. I can show you how to navigate props if you get stuck in places and lose the rhythm of a class. If you can eliminate common (potentially embarrassing) sticking points, it's likely you'll find a practice you love (or like enough to repeat) and you'll keep going back. I can get you going to the right classes. Yes, there are classes that would be better to start with. If someone is telling you you can "go to any class" and "just modify" as you go, don't. This is well-meaning advice that will more than likely put you in a frustrating place. Connect with me here to begin this discussion.

Back to the matters of convenience and pace - how many times have you felt your health and fitness would be higher priorities if the process was faster or simply more "convenient?" This is where I'm discovering our thinking is flawed: we think that if we can address our health with a "convenient" appliqué we will suddenly be the happy, healthy yogi/parent/runner/bodybuilder/ fill-in-the-blank person we were meant to be. This, unfortunately, is totally wrong.

News flash: good health and any goal regarding your health  IS NOT GOING TO BE INHERENTLY CONVENIENT.

The world just isn’t that way. Most of the time, it’s not going to happen quickly.  And if it seems to be either of these things (convenient, fast) without trying there’s likely a hurdle awaiting you that will knock you down a few pegs; we must always be looking to renew our approach so as to sustain upward momentum. The good news is that we can create structure in our fitness lives (as opposed to expecting convenience or change without effort.) I suggest that you do the following:  

  1. Rather than “making something convenient,” ask yourself “How do I create a more effective framework so that _________ becomes sustainable?”
  2. When you become concerned with how fast (or not fast) something is happening, return to your framework, adjust it, and then go to a yoga class.  Seriously.

Attacking the idea from this angle means that there will be a familiar framework to enjoy when things are working well.  When they stop working, you have a workable system that you can tweak into something new so that you regain your upward momentum.  Alternating between each of these as necessary means that we have less time to be obsessed with how long everything is taking and instead be present in the process.  This has been the biggest lesson I’ve learned as a bodybuilder newbie - to quit focusing on how things will (literally) look at the finish line, and instead to invest all of my energy into building my daily framework over and over again.  

This isn’t really rocket science - in order to be well and meet any fitness/health goal (from baseline health to full-blown bodybuilding) we all know we need three things to start:

  1. Adequate rest/free time (to sleep, make food, plan time)
  2. A relatively healthy diet
  3. Opportunities to work out and stay active

You could in theory start with any one of these and work backward to the others.  Previous to the beginning of my show prep, my diet was pretty solid and I am blessed to have ample, flexible free time. What was hard for me was making the time to get the long, six-days-a-week workouts plus food prep time in. I wasn’t using my free time very effectively.  Within the first two weeks came the realization that something had to give to make time.

So I asked myself “How do I create a framework that makes my bodybuilding training sustainable?”  The answer was to get a larger workout window midday so that I wouldn’t be too tired to make it happen. This also meant that evenings would be free to prep food. Things I have eliminated to make workouts (and rest/prep) fit:

-Watching TV at night (unless I am working on a crafty project or food prepping at the same time)

-Browsing social media throughout the day

-Checking my email after 6 PM

-Socializing with my boyfriend or friends on weeknights and drinking (also a part of the prep)

-Practicing yoga daily (yes, I do miss it)

-For now I have also paused reading new yoga/fitness texts or taking trainings; I will get back to each of these after my show is complete

Opening these pockets of time in other parts of my day has given me wider windows in the afternoon (between classes/clients) to work out.  I had to move the rest of my life around to make my training windows conveniently fall at times I am already physically at the gym (or close by.) I did not change what my goals are or how I was getting to them. I had created a structure that better served them.

For a standard fitness routine, I recommend finding a good 60-90 minute window for your time. Lots of people scoff at me when I suggest these large windows. Don’t worry - I’m not suggesting you work out that whole time. 30-45 minutes would be great as a start - the rest of that time is for you to feel unhurried. 60 minutes PLANNED feels super great. Much better than “30 minutes or 45 minutes turned 60 because that dude was on my treadmill and there was a line for the shower and I should just eat something real quick before I go back to work…!”

Why not begin by blocking that time and making the whole thing feel like it fits nicely, without stress, into your day? With 60-90 minutes you have transit time, training time, snack time, and changing time.  For some of us, making this time will be a reality and usually requires just a little discussion about your life. If it’s not a reality - stay with me - that’s OK too; usually we end up discussing smaller time frames and expectations that match them. Both good! Beginners beware - you are going to require more time than seasoned gym-goers. If you want to learn yoga, lift weights, heal a problem area, lose weight, or correct an imbalance, please slow down. Get your best window scheduled and then let's talk about how you fill it. Workouts should include mobility work and warmups, objectives and steps to meet them, plus recovery and stretch. When you get to be more seasoned, you can probably trim these down...but one thing at a time. Last but not least, you should have your workouts planned. Don’t just go to the gym and wing it!  That’s a disaster waiting to happen for most of us.  Let’s get you a program and start writing it down every day.

So that’s how I’ve adjusted my free time for working out. If you have questions on how to do the same let me know! I've already posted about food prepping; so I won't write much more here, but some dos/dont’s on how I have given my own diet more of a framework to survive in.

-I do NOT Eat protein bars or pre-packaged meals. They’re usually not so great for us and don’t keep us full, encouraging some other part of the day to fall apart. Other than protein shakes (which should be planned and used intentionally) my meals are all made by me and are real food.

-I DO NOT keep shit I know will tempt me in the house.  Just give it away.  Easier to chug water/go to bed than it is to venture out a 9 PM for stuff you know you shouldn’t eat.

-I DO shop/prep 2-3 times a week on a rotation so I always have at least some good food to work with (but rarely exactly everything all at once.)  Doing it this way means you are working in smaller batches, you are not overwhelmed by a whole day in the kitchen, and you are also never completely out of food. Remember this approach can be temporary as you approach your goals.  I’m not interested in making your life difficult forever.

-I DO pack literally everything for the next day the night before I need it. The only time I don’t do this is when I have a day off and I know I’ll have time to plan in the morning (and then I do it in the morning!)

-I DO NOT look at anything on menus at restaurants.  Hone in on the cleanest salad.  Ask for vinegar and oil on the side, add chicken or salmon, and then put the damn menu down.  “Water is all I need, please and thank you.”

-I DO have my fridge organized. See the not-a-bummer-handy-dandy-box.

-I DO wash my Tupperware at work immediately after using it so when I get home I don't have to wash and pack - I go right to packing the next day (which is good, because I am usually exhausted.)

-I DO chop veggies right away so I can pack them or make a salad as fast as I can grab any other less healthful food.

Nope - none of this means I spend less time on my food intake. It does mean I have a convenient structure and there is less to get tripped up on. The framework and my rules for myself support me when I am feeling weak or unresolved.

I would love to know - what does convenience mean to you?  Does it feel like something you’ve ever thought to create for yourself over time?  What feels inconvenient?  What keeps you on track and does that somehow give you a starting point for your own structure?

I hope that as the summer nears its end you are feeling happy, healthy and free.  If not you should connect with me so I can help!  Stay tuned for more posts - the next five weeks will be different!  My attention will start to divide - some of it stays on prep and training, some of it goes to choosing a suit and more posing practice, some of it goes to finalizing my show dates, and a tiny bit of it will go to SPRAY TANS.  Should be a good time for all. Check out my progress below as a thanks for reading all my crazy ideas. :)
​

Namaste,
Kaila

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On Blogging, Bulking, and Quitting

6/19/2017

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Hey friends! Welcome back!  I’m 4 weeks into the full experience of my bodybuilding prep, and it’s going quite well!  As of Saturday the 17th I’ll be 19 weeks out from my first show. Some days it feels like it is going incredibly quickly, and some days it feels like I have eons to go, but in a good “I have lots of time” kind of way.  

Two weekends ago I went to visit family and took my boyfriend Jake with my to meet some of the family.  On that trip I spend a little time writing my next blog post - it’s on the subject of how it is we look at the problems that need solving in our lives.  I’m beginning to feel that I am most successful when I look at a problem or challenge and think of it as purely logistical or purely emotional - even if that’s not really the hard truth of it, as most of the time things are a combination of the two.

Hilariously enough, I haven’t been able to sort out what it is I have to say about looking at my life in this way.  I attempted to revisit the post tonight and much to my frustration I couldn’t figure out what it is I was trying to say. After about 20 minutes of heated editing, it hit me:

  1. I was trying way, way way too hard to make it work
  2. That’s not even what people have been curious about anyway

The funniest part of this is that I wanted to work that post so that I could come up with some specific mantras with tangible actions attached to them that would offer something inspiring or helpful to my readers.  While trying to force the post that was to create mantras to materialize, I came across my first one:

Quit trying so hard at the wrong things. I’m stubborn as an ox sometimes, and while it often doesn’t take me long to see what isn’t working; it usually takes me a bit to admit it. I’m learning to catch myself sooner and sooner with practice. Regarding fitness, I see lots of people trying really hard at the wrong things.  So quit it! Get back to basics: make sure you are sleeping enough.  Get to the gym or a class a few times a week and don’t worry (for now) about what you do when you get there.  Stop eating so much fried food. Or eat more food if you don’t eat enough. When you’re consistently tapping into a routine, then introduce something new.  If you’re not, quit trying so hard at the new things people are hollering about all the time. Be a quitter! 
Picture
*Not* working on my writing because Jake is too cute and I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say.
PictureThe Box That Is Way Less of a Bummer Than You Would Think

​When you can admit that something isn’t working and take it off the agenda (without judgement), you clear up bountiful headspace to be productive in another area.  Committing to this show and the long-term process of it has felt much easier when I elected to let go of some things that weren’t working.  Example?  I was feeling a little bit disenchanted with my yoga practice.  It happens.  So I took it off the list of things to get done in exchange for this process and am practicing only about once a week. It’s made room for figuring out the stuff that people are really curious about, which I thought would make for an interesting (low-pressure-on-Kaila) post. 

Q. So what are you eating?  Are you starving? Answer? A lot. And no.  An average day goes something like: 

Egg whites with avocado, Ezekial toast and coffee
Cottage cheese/plain yogurt and raw veggies for snacking whenever
Baked chicken or canned tuna and sweet potatoes with salad greens
Overnight oats with strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries
A protein shake or smoothie somewhere in the day, (sometimes with bonus almond butter!)
Salmon with veggies and a grain like rice, quinoa, or farro
Oodles of tea!
​
Much of this is made ahead of time. Everything is measured the night before I eat it.  I even organized my fridge to make it all easier (a logistical nightmare solved with dedicated shelves and one handy-dandy box.) Top shelf is for things that still need prepping or act as garnishes, bottom shelf is for things that are prepped and ready to be measured/eaten, center shelf (and handy-dandy box) are for the things I still have to eat in a day.  

When the box is empty, I’m done.  You’d think the box would be a bummer, but it’s actually a tremendous relief. The first two weeks meant a ton of time in the kitchen figuring out my system.  Now I probably prep food for about 3 hours a week total, spread out, and I don’t shop more than anyone else has to. I spend 30 minutes each night measuring food for the next day.  I don’t think about what I have to eat at all as the day goes by, because it’s already there.  Amazing advice from my coach Ariel - thanks girl!


Q. How’s the training?  Answer?  It’s hard.  I’m spending about 2 hours a day on it in addition to my clients and classes.  That said, that two hours includes all my lifting, some cardio, and a generous portion of mobility work. I’m putting my body through a lot, but I feel really good because I’ve made the time to do all the right things.  It’s really fun and I’m having a good time testing my limits (carefully.)

Q. What’s the point/what do you have to do for the competition?  Some people I’ve encountered think this is a weightlifting competition.  Those exist, but this isn’t it.  This is a competition in which you are judged purely on the look of your physique.  Are there parts of that that I don’t care for? Yes.  Am I going to do it anyway?  Yes. I’ll refer you back to my first blog post for more on that: Why Are You Doing What You’re Doing?  

Each bodybuilding federation has different categories and ways of breaking things down.  You’re given a series of poses and a walk to do that will showcase a certain number of things based on which category you’re in.  I’m aiming to be in the Figure category - as an example, one of things they look for is wide lats and a “v-taper” - wide shoulders, a narrow waist, and developed back.  It’s been fun to learn what these things are and focus my training on developing those things. In this category you wear a sparkly suit and heels. Yes, it is 100% totally bizarre to put on a bikini and heels and pose in them.  I’m choosing to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.  I figure you live one time.

Q. Is it hard to __________ (not drink/skip sweets/get all the training in?) Sure, but only to a certain extent.  I’m finding a great deal of freedom in the routine - I don’t have to think about what I’m eating.  I simply don’t drink (OK, I had a beer this weekend) I don’t stress if something doesn’t go perfectly, but I do recommit the next day. I tell my friends what I’m up to and people are supportive and nice when I don’t socialize the way people are used to. I leave bars early and GO TO BED. I feel I can keep coming back to these choices because I keep everything written down between a food-logging app and a training binder so I know exactly what to do day to day.  (Want help to get to this place?  Read here and contact me.)

I do everything one day, one workout, one set, one rep, one bite at a time.  It’s the most present I’ve ever been in my entire life.  How’s that for yogic?
​

PictureSomewhere in week three - hips shrinking, muscle coming along!


​As of last week I’m down to about 18% body fat from 24% this spring and am really happy with how my body seems to be changing. I'm ahead of schedule, so I've been given more food (mostly in protein) to eat each day.

I carry a lot of weight in my hips, belly, and tush (thanks Mom, for those genetics) so it’s been cool to see that come off.  I sleep like a rock which isn’t the norm for me and am waking up earlier every day. I have tons of energy and find myself less and less interested in things that won’t make me feel 100% good.  A real change from how I felt before - stay tuned for more as I go.  Hopefully I'll have something more profound to share than my handy-dandy box. (Although I will say I really really like my handy-dandy box.) Namaste!

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Why are you doing what you're doing?

6/3/2017

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​Well, I did it. With two weeks of May to go, I wrote a check that sealed the deal: for the summer and fall of 2017, I’m committed to training for my first bodybuilding competition.  I’ll be competing as a Figure athlete, which is one category in a spectrum of bodybuilding categories. It’s likely I’ll do two shows spaced closely together in November, the first of which is with the Organization of Competitive Bodybuilders.  Curious?  Read more about the sport and categories here.

I can remember seeing bodybuilding on TV years ago, as a teenaged girl, and watching with mild curiosity as to what the whole thing was about. I wasn’t a spectacularly active young woman; possessing only a few summers of rec center sports and two half-hearted seasons of high school track and field under my belt before turning to theater for several years.
 
It was in college, while studying for my BFA in Acting, that I discovered a variety of movement techniques, instructed to me first through the practice of yoga. The work I developed for the stage gave way to a lifetime commitment to yoga as an all-encompassing practice, which gave way to a career here in Madison, WI.  A teaching career gave way to personal training, and personal training has given way to a variety of wild, silly, compelling, soul-building body-based adventures.  
 
My life has been, and I believe always will be, a meandering exploration of the human form.
 
I thought long and hard for the last six months about why it is I would elect to do this work and compete in a sport like bodybuilding. I thought, “Isn’t it just about making your body look awesome?”  “Isn’t that antithetical to what I believe to be important about bodies?”  After a sudden change in direction for my fitness career late last summer and meeting my bodybuilding friend Ariel, I found myself pondering the idea often despite the fact that it doesn’t necessarily align with everything I think is important about bodies. 
 
I know from experience that anything we elect to do with our lives must be driven from a number of deep-seated desires.  If I were to share one seed, one opinion, on this subject with clients or friends it would be this: that we cannot do anyone one thing for only one reason.  Our reasons can certainly be filtered down into single mantras, concise thoughts, and pearls of wisdom to keep us focused when the day runs long; but the essence behind them must be larger and more powerful - an expansion of our souls and who we are as people.  Further, it’s terribly important to identify, to write down, to explore what your motivations are.
 
What is it that you’re trying to do in this life?  Have you taken the time to expand the foundation of why it is you’re doing that? How do all these reasons each fit into your various personal and professional goals? Do they overlap? (I think they likely should, but perhaps not all the way.)  
 
After six months of pondering, some intimate time with weight machines testing the waters, and one late night note-scribbling session, here’s what I think I’m doing and why.

 1.  Real talk - being a full time fitness instructor and personal trainer is hard. It’s taxing on your body, on your well of emotional resources, and some days on your mind. Things get worn out when you move stuff around a gym all day.  Muscles get lazy when you stand all day. The heart gets weary when friends bear their bodies and souls in classes. My mind often feels like it doesn’t know enough and sometimes keeps me up at night.
 
When you begin to roll all this together for months and years at a time, you begin to see that exploration of your own self and your own mind/body becomes paramount.  Any yoga teacher or trainer can tell you about a time when they lost themselves in their teaching, in their clients, in their constant study. I am no different than any other, and have fluctuated in and out of a connectedness to myself for all the years I’ve been helping others. It’s a package deal, so like many others, I have learned (the hard way, often) how to get myself out of a rut.
 
A sudden shift in where my primary source of income came from last summer drove me to take on a lot of new work at unfamiliar spaces in the blink of an eye.  It was stressful, scary, and tiring. For a few months I pulled together new opportunities (another part of the package deal) and found that all my extra energy was not going to creative or growth pursuits but simply “keep your shit together and pay the bills” pursuits. Enter: The Dreaded Yoga Teacher Rut.
 
When creative energy gets tapped into surviving, this rut gets rather deep very quickly.  Enter, strangely enough, bodybuilding.  I’ve watched my friends successfully prepare and compete and I have witnessed in them a passion and fire that has piqued my interest too.  I’ve snapped back, more than once, to teenaged Kaila staring absently at the strong women on TV. I’ve shifted the way I work out in this direction, dipping a toe in supersets and “leg days” and “back days” and the like.  And I really, really like how it makes me feel. There is an intangible juice to training this way.
 
A trial run of bodybuilding-like training and diet over the course of March and April sealed the deal: 24 weeks of serious focus is exactly the fire I want under my ass. The kind that will-relight the less tangible part of my being that does what I do. This experience will be food for my soul so that I may continue to give.
 
2.  Riding on the coattails of my soul-based desires is my hunger to learn more palpable information from experience.  Part of what is best about yoga as a practice is that most everything you stand to gain comes from partaking in the practice firsthand.  K. Pattabhi Jois once said “Yoga is 1% theory and 99% practice,” and he was fucking right.
 
There is a real science to bodybuilding - training muscles groups in a targeted way supported by a finely focused diet.  I exist on my mat to fine-tune down dog or to empty my mind. In the same way, I wish to roll around on the gym floor to fine-tune muscle size while clearing my head for better ways of thinking and being. (They are really the same thing, you see.)  I’ve got plenty more to learn about yoga - a lifetime’s worth of study.  But like I said in #1, variety can be the name of the game so I’m going to switch my focus for a while and see where it takes me. I could read about bodybuilding in theory - which I do.  I could continue to watch my friend and coach Ariel do it - which I will. I could dabble in the practice to see short-term outcomes - which I have.  What more do I stand to learn in this way if I do not do it myself?  
 
The average life expectancy of an average woman in the United States as of 2014 is 78.94 years.  I have every intention of blowing this figure out of the water, so if I live to be 90, that’s 4,680 total weeks of life. What’s 24 short weeks to gain real-time experience of something way outside of my knowledge base and comfort zone? I imagine the results will spark a power that will trickle out into the remaining 3,096 weeks I have left at 30 years old.  
 
I want to be the most complete resource I can be for people.  That means exploring the large veins (yoga) as much as the little capillaries that run out the sides (hypertrophy for sport!)
 
3. There’s this funny thing that is happening in the fitness world.  Ancient practices like yoga are converging with more modern training and sports. It’s happening everywhere, from professional football players to local gyms and it’s a fascinating time to be alive doing what I do.  There’s a constant feeling of “what’s next?!”  It’s very exciting, sometimes infuriating, sometimes awe-inspiring and makes me feel very fortunate to do what I do.
 
What’s unfortunate is that there are often bold, bold lines that run between these fields that so desperately want to converge. (Hey man, haven’t you heard? People get stuck in ruts.) It just happens and it can make it really hard for anyone to see and appreciate another way of working with the human body.
 
I always say that my first love is yoga - it will forever be the foundation of how I work with my own body and how I work with other bodies in my profession. Be that as it may, the choice I made to cross from yoga teaching into modern personal training is in an unparalleled way the best decision I have ever made personally and professionally.  I am blessed to see the same ideas and intentions packaged in different ways.  This often makes me simultaneously nervous and determined to know more.  There is a serious high to having your beliefs about anything challenge when you quit cowering in the corner of your comfort zone and face challenge with your own face, your own legs, your own hands.
 
When one offering like yoga isn’t serving someone, I can confidently hand them a pair of dumbbells and try a new way.  When squat racks seem massive and intimidating, I can take someone to an empty room with one sticky mat and a foam block. It’s the most gorgeous feeling there is.
 
When a body is lax, loose, and overly soft, I know a dozen ways to firm it up.  When a body is scared, locked up, and frozen, I know how to wiggle freedom out.  My body has changed exponentially since I layered in modern training with my yoga practice in just a few short years.  My way of thinking about most everything has been rewired while trying to meld the two.  I have made a lot more money than I ever could have solely teaching yoga.  I cannot help but think of how much I stand to gain if I grow yet another perspective for these eyes.
 
One of my professional missions in this world is to break down the bold lines that run between yoga and everything else. I want to understand the equally as bold lines between different kinds of yoga and different kinds of training.  I want to make it so that we can barely see these lines and one territory can mesh into another without a second thought - for the benefit of one body at a time. How am I to do that if I don’t get started trying it all myself?
 
4. There’s a great deal of distraction in this life - we are instructed to be a million different things all at once while simultaneously existing as simple, carefree spirits conducting lives of ease.  It can be so very difficult to address any one part of your life (relationships, work, hobbies and interests, health, fitness, food, activism, finances…) and simplify it down to a functional, sustainable place.  I often feel in working with people every day that our work is much more about this simplification than it is about our bodies.
 
I cannot say what the answer to this problem is for you.  While I’ve always got a number of projects (personal and professional) in the works, I find for me that highlighting one for an extended time and sorting it out inevitably leads to this simplicity so that I can move on to the next thing.  This year I feel compelled to simplify my relationship with food once and for all.
 
Believe it or not, the most important part of crafting your body to look a certain way is not necessarily training - it’s diet.  My coach Ariel told me in my training breakdowns that 80% of being stage-ready has to do with staying attentive to the diet that’s laid out for me. I met this statement with some mild skepticism and knew others I talked to would too - but she’s right.  For the last month I have funneled the majority of my free energy to setting up a system in which I can stick to my macro counts.  I introduced the weight training regimen only six days ago.  In that month, I have dropped 3% body fat and am already seeing a noticeable change in my body composition.  Interesting, no?
 
I want to know what it’s like to make real food all the time.  I want to know what it’s like to eat very clean.  I want to reduce my carbon footprint by eating less dairy and red meat, many fewer packaged foods and avoiding waste at all costs.  I want to know what it is like to treat food as fuel and not as a source of emotional joy.  I want to know what it’s like to socialize and play and be jubilant for an entire summer without having to drink alcohol (yes, no drinking!) to feel that way.  I want to break free of the modern perspective that food and drink must be intimately connected to my relationships and happiness.  I want to make it so that in the future (Thanksgiving, you just wait) I have a greater appreciation for the times that I do look to food and drink for the sheer enjoyment of it. Doesn’t that sound great?  I think that focusing my energy on my relationship with food for the purpose of bodybuilding will help to build the foundation I need to make this way of being a more permanent practice.
 
5. I’m so very curious to learn as much as I can about the dialogue women have with themselves about our bodies.  It’s no secret that many of us have had an uphill battle regarding our relationships with our physical forms. It’s no secret that the world has a lot to say about how we look.  Further, we are instructed to get to a certain look or place at all costs, and to expect that shift to be somehow permanent.  Spoiler alert: BODIES ARE NOT PERMANENT. 
 
I work with people that are overweight, with people who are underweight, with people who are completely average, with people who are very fit - and many of them have negative body image. I try as often as I can to teach everyone that our bodies are as fluid and changing as anything else - that there will be times when you will look/feel one way, and times when you will look/feel another.  This is where it gets tricky - because I also believe in setting goals so as to establish shape and drive to our daily lives.  Don’t these things conflict? I can’t help but feel that perhaps they don’t have to - even though I cannot yet quite put my finger on how we make it happen.
 
For the most part I have been blessed to have a healthy relationship with my body for my life so far; and the older I get the more I realize that this isn’t the status quo. I believe that because I have been given experiences that have created a healthy mindset around my body, one of my duties is to explore that mindset so I can share insight with others. I think doing what I am doing will open up conversations I may not otherwise get to have.
 
My coach Ariel recently nailed this in a conversation we had - she said, “You craft a body for 20-some weeks, for a specific purpose, knowing it will not stay that way.  It’s a single moment in time and you do not get to keep it.” Not surprisingly (Ariel is also a yoga teacher), this is closely related to the yogic principles of non-attachment and impermanence .

For both myself and as a demonstration to other women, I want to set a goal - a really tough one - and I want to meet it.  And then I will have no choice but to let the results fade away without losing an ounce of my personal worth. As a woman I want these changes to be empowering and exciting, just an ebbing and a flowing - rather than a high or low, win or loss. I want to always feel this way for myself, and I want these feelings to be out in the cosmos for all the women I know.

 
6. I think it will be fun to see what it’s like to be jacked - to get on stage again - maybe take home a funny trophy. Watch me go!

What are you doing this summer?  Do you know why? You don't need any fancy system to figure it out.  Write a few notes down and return to them each day to see where they go. I hope that you will take some time to ponder, explore, and grow.  

In good health,
KP

Picture
Day One - I'm ready, let's go!
​
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Food Prep: Make It Easy

10/11/2016

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Picture
Food prep - it's one of those things we all know we should do a little of, right? Read on for some ideas to simplify your shopping, prep, and cooking routines.

Rules for Shopping
1. Work with 3-5 days at a time.  We eat a lot of food in a 7 day week.  A 7 day week also has a weekend, which usually throws a wrench in the works. Work with 3 to 5 days a time: the early part of your week, then the late part of your week. In this way, yes, you are shopping more often. But these will be quick 20 to 30 minute trips instead of 60+ minutes that leave you with an enormous cart and frustrated at Hy-Vee.

Your food is also more fresh and you're able to skip those trips when you'll be out of town or eating out.

2. Buy fresh food every time. By "fresh" I mean greens, veggies, and fruits - those things that can come together for salads, for side dishes at dinner time, or those acting as snacks between meals.  They'll be more appetizing if they're not several days old. You'll see less produce go bad in your crisper and enjoy variety as the stores change up their seasonal offerings. You'll be getting those high doses of veggies you know you're supposed to have.

3. Rotate dry goods, canned goods and proteins. This is where shopping can get expensive.  If you're buying meats, eggs, grains, and other dry goods all at once - things add up. You also will begin to feel overwhelmed at what to cook or eat first.  Put yourself on a rotation that spreads things out: in one trip, you'll buy your eggs and tofu for salads. In the next trip, you'll buy chicken and breakfast meats. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Example Shopping Trip
The picture above is a spread of my small shopping trip from this morning and a few things left from last week (per rule #3).

Today I bought the following - the total was less than $40.
Romaine Lettuce (for salads)
Parsley (for salads)
Yellow Pepper (for salads)
Avocados (for salads, snacks, or breakfast)
Cucumber (for salads)
Cottage Cheese (for breakfast or snacks)
Breakfast Sausage Links (my kryptonite - for breakfast)
Bananas (for snacks)
Roma Tomatoes (for salads or snacks)
Fresh Broccoli (not pictured - still in the bag!)
Red Curry Paste (for many weeks of Thai dinners)
Jar of Honey (not pictured - for tea, etc)
Sore Throat Tea (Not pictured - I have a sore throat - boo!)

Leftover from last week/previous trips are:
Pink Beans (cooked last night, portioned for the week)
Farro (cooked last night, portioned for the week) What's Farro?
Extra Firm Tofu (for various salads and dinners)
Brown Rice (to be cooked for Thai Red Curry Tofu w/Veggies)
Eggs (not pictured - in the fridge!)
Onions, Garlic, and Potatoes (not pictured - in the pantry!)
Can of Coconut Milk (not pictured - in the pantry!)

Sometime near this weekend or over the weekend, I'll make my "late week" trip and the process starts over - I'll buy fresh food to replace those that I'll eat up in the next 3-5 days.  I'll still have the sausage links, but will likely need eggs. I'll grab some chicken since the tofu will be gone and work with that until the next round. Each trip usually includes replenishment of a grain (like rice, farro, or pasta) or a snack (dried apricots, cheese, protein bars/powder, or nuts) or canned goods (beans or coconut milk) and beverages (coffee, tea) - but not them all.  

It takes a few trips to get the rotation going, but trust me - it works!  You'll always have a few options for meals in your fridge (but not too many), food will be more fresh, and you'll spend less frustrated time in the grocery store.

The Prep Part
Everyone preps differently - some spend many hours on one day prepping a whole week!  That's awesome if it works for you.  It doesn't work for me: I end up wasting a lot of food and eating out toward the end of the week. I stick to my "early week/late week" rule with 2 or 3 short prep sessions throughout the week.  

For example: Last night I cooked the Farro and pink beans I had from a previous trip for dinner.  I finished off the last of my fresh produce in a small salad and made a list of what I wanted for this week's salads (pictured above.)  I cooked enough beans and Farro to make some meals for the next 3 days.

Today: I bought all you see pictured above. Produce never goes in the fridge un-prepped - it happens immediately after the trip. I took 10 minutes to chop the greens, the parsley, and the veggies that will keep in the fridge. Others that don't (like tomatoes or avocados) get sliced when I'm making the salad. Anything that is packaged (like tofu) gets de-packaged and portioned out into a container of my own for quick access. Food will keep better in these containers than it will in the plastic bags or containers they come in.  Now I'm ready to go for fast lunchtime salads for the next 4-5 days.

As I write this post: I'm cooking the rice that will go with the Thai Red Curry Tofu w/Veggies. The Curry will be made later tonight using Red Curry Paste, coconut milk, onions, garlic, and potatoes.  I'll put them together for dinner and make enough to portion out some meals that will last beyond the Beans and Farro. (There's that rotation again!) I'll steam some broccoli to go with the Curry.  By next week I'll be tired of cooking grains, so I'll probably put together a crock pot meal.  This week I'm mostly vegetarian, which is something I do once and a while to feel good and keep costs down. Next week I'll include some animal protein, which is ultimately up to you.

Stay Flexible
Putting yourself on a rotation makes it easier to create small, manageable shopping lists - this week I'm having beans, grains, and tofu - so next week will be chicken, green beans, and broccoli.  Or something like that.  Sometimes I choose what's most fresh in the grocery store to guide my major meals. Get flexible with yourself and recognize that you can deal with last minute changes as you shop.  Perhaps next week salmon will be on sale - so I'll grab that instead of this chicken I keep talking about.  Make a baseline list and then run with what moves you!  Feeding yourself should be a fun and (dare I say it?) exciting process. 

Keep in mind that I'm a single person feeding one - so adjust the size of your trips and your budget for the size of your family. Get them on their own rotations; in the case of large families I suggest saving lists to help you manage your rotations and get more routine so your significants and little ones know what to expect when it's time to eat. On this schedule I spend about $40 to $50 per trip, averaging $60 per week for homemade food.

Putting it Together: An Average Day
This isn't just theoretical, guys, it's what I actually do. Here's an average day based on the rotation I've had going for about a month now - I'm currently working with a 1600 calorie a day diet.  This is lower than what I normally do - trying to trim up for my 30th birthday in January and my sister's spring wedding! 

Breakfast
1 slice bacon, 1 egg, 1/2 avocado 
2 cups black coffee
Totals 300 calories

Lunch
Salad: romaine, parsley, 1/2 cup tofu, yellow pepper, sunflower seeds, ranch dressing
1/2 cup leftover tortellini (from a dinner out on the town this weekend!)
Totals 445 calories

Snack
protein shake - 2 scoops of powder, 1 scoop of flax seed, water (made in a shaker after the gym)
Totals 130 calories

Dinner
1 cup farro, 1 cup pink beans, scoop of shredded cheddar and 1 small heirloom tomato, tossed
handful of wonton strips to top the rice and beans
1/4 cup steamed green beans
Totals 502 calories

Post-Dinner
2 cups buttered popcorn (popped with oil on the stove top)
Totals 180 calories

Total for the day: 1557 calories 

Need more help?  I'm here for you!  This post is just the beginning of eating well. Connect with me here if you would like Nutrition Coaching and remember that practice makes perfect. If you have your own food prep ideas that work, share below!



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